It is sometimes hard for me to put into words how I am feeling. But I came across these two articles today that reaffirmed exactly what I was feeling. They are lengthy, but definitely worth your time. Enjoy! 
The Doormat Syndrome
Romans 12:9-18
“It has been a number of years ago now since I talked with a woman who was a victim of domestic violence. Her husband frequently brutalized her. She was a committed Christian person and tried to do everything right to be the kind of wife a husband would love and cherish.
One Sunday, her pastor preached a sermon on forgiveness and emphasized, Jesus’ words from His Sermon on the Mount:
“If you forgive others their trespasses against you, your heavenly Father will forgive your trespasses. But, if you do not forgive others their trespasses against you… neither will your heavenly Father forgive you!”
The woman went to talk to her Pastor about her situation at home and how she struggled with the issue of forgiveness. How could she forgive someone who abused her?
SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAPPENED as the conversation between the woman and her pastor progressed. “You must remember,” the pastor said, “That Jesus forgave the people who brutalized Him while He was hanging on a cross. Do you remember how he said, ‘Father forgive them, for they know not what they do.’” Her heart sank as he continued, “Maybe the Lord has called you to be an abused wife!”
THAT WAS THE WORST example I have ever encountered that shows how the whole subject of forgiveness can be abused. In fact the pastor’s response to the woman was itself abusive. Thank goodness she found her way out of that church. While it is true that Christians are called to develop a forgiving spirit, it is not true that a forgiving spirit means accepting abusive behavior. It is very important to properly understand what forgiveness means. A faulty understanding of forgiveness can lead to something I like to call “The Doormat Syndrome.”
The Doormat Syndrome translates to something like this. The doctrine of forgiveness means I have to accept offense or abuse without negative feelings or anger.
We begin with the truth that Jesus came down very strong on the side of forgiveness. Forgiveness is not an option for Christian people, it is a requirement. The reason Jesus was adamant about this - (…if you do not forgive others their trespasses against you… neither will your heavenly Father forgive you! ) - is based on three principles.
I. FORGIVENESS IS THE BASIS OF OUR RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD
II. THE PRACTICE OF FORGIVENESS BY CHRISTIANS TOWARDS EACH OTHER SHOWS THE REALITY OF CHRIST’S LOVE TO THE WORLD.
III. AN UNFORGIVING SPIRIT IS ONE OF THE MOST DEADLY ENEMIES OF OUR EMOTIONAL AND SPIRITUAL HEALTH.
HOWEVER, THE ISSUE of forgiveness can be abused if we do not understand the meaning of the word forgiveness and how it is to be applied.
First of all: It is very important to understand the second principle of forgiveness…namely; “The practice of forgiveness by Christians towards each other shows the reality of Christ’s love to the world.”
I want to read for you, a couple of verses from the New Testament letter to the Colossians:
As God’s chosen people, holy and beloved, put on compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, you must do also. But above all these things, put on LOVE, which is the bond of perfection.
IN OTHER WORDS, –the function of forgiveness within the Christian Community is to keep the conduit of God’s love clear and clean so that the love of God can flow freely. Forgiveness is God’s antidote to spiritual arterial sclerotic disease in the Body of Christ - which is bitterness, anger, and resentment that come from our human tendency to hurt each other. Forgiveness keeps the conduit of God’s love open and the experience of divine love fresh.
The crucial words in the letter to the Colossians “one another.” It is very clear that forgiveness within the Christian Community is based on the idea that: 1) we are ALL recipients of God’s love, and 2) we are, ALL committed to the same spiritual values. That is to say, we are ALL called to do all we can to practice toward each other what God has practiced toward us. In other words the first function of forgiveness is an internal one in the family of faith, the church.
Secondly: The practice of forgiveness toward those who stand outside the Community of Faith has an entirely different function. The purpose of forgiveness here is to release us from bitterness and to trust that GOD will take care of righting all wrongs. It does not mean that we are to become doormats for the abusive behavior of people who do not share our values.
Listen once again to 16 through 18 in our scripture reading:
{16}Live in harmony with one another; do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly; do not claim to be wiser than you are. {17} Do not repay anyone evil for evil, but take thought for what is noble in the sight of all. {18} If it is possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.
Did you notice the switch between verses 16 and 18? The focus moves from “one another” to “you” I.E. “As much as it lies in you be at peace with all persons.”
TO GO BACK TO MY OPENING STORY… God does NOT call women to live in abusive relationships with men who do not share the values, the love or the faith of the Christian community.
WANT TO READ TO YOU an interesting story from Matthew’s gospel:
It addresses incorrect notion that Christians are not supposed to get angry.
Matthew 21:12-13 Jesus entered the temple area and drove out all who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves. “It is written,” he said to them, ‘”My house will be called a house of prayer,’ but you are making it a den of thieves.’”
To have a forgiving spirit does not mean that we don’t get angry at abuse. The verb “to forgive” in the N.T. means literally, “to release from a debt.” That’s it. It does not mean you should have particular feelings toward the debtor. Supposing someone wrongs or hurts you in some way. To forgive the wrong means that you release the debt. In other words, you do not keep account of the wrong with the intention that you have to pay back the wrong. It does not, however, mean that you must feel lovey-dovey or warm toward the debtor.
Let me read one verse past our morning scripture. Rom. 12:19 “Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather let God take care of it; for it is written, “Vengeance is mine… I will repay,” says the Lord.”
The key point today is that forgiveness is a gift to the Christian Community to insure clear flowing of God’s love in our midst. It is also a call to Christian people to trust God to right all wrongs. We do not have the power or the authority to make all things right and we can make ourselves sick trying to do so. God, however, will make everything right in due course and in God’s own time.
Forgiveness will allow us to trust God for the consequences for all abusive behavior and to find release the bitterness of injustice. The woman who was in effect told by her pastor to stay in a relationship with an abusive husband and worse yet - to see this as a call of God - was called to no such thing at all. On the contrary, she should be encouraged to leave. She will, however, find eventual release from bitterness and anger by letting the abuse go and giving it to God. She can trust that God will somehow make this right and that there are consequences for abusers that she has not control over.
Christian are called to be forgiving persons.
Christians are NOT called to be doormats.”
(Article Courtesy of www.lectionarysermons.com/)
The Healing Power of Forgiveness
by Dr. Deborah Newman
“Before I ever forgave others or helped individuals learn to forgive, I always thought forgiveness granted all the benefits to the offender.The Power of Forgiveness In the process of struggling with forgiveness, I’ve found that it’s my own soul that receives the greatest benefit from it. I’ve witnessed amazing changes in people through the healing power of forgiveness.
What Forgiveness Is Not
Forgiveness is not forgetting. I challenge you to find the verse that says, “Forgive and forget” in your Bible. Get a concordance and try to find it. It won’t be there.
I’ll always remember the most significant experiences of forgiveness in my life. These memories are of spiritual victories whereby God overcame the fear, rage and resistance created in my soul by another person’s actions toward me. In true forgiveness, I release my hatred, self-protection and desire for vengeance, but I keep all of my short- and long-term memories. When we’ve experienced the healing power of forgiveness, we never forget the release we feel in our souls. Through forgiving, we’re able to forget “what lies behind” and reach forward to “what lies ahead” (Philippians 3:13), which involves letting go of the pain and being freed from hatred, fear and bitterness. We remember those painful circumstances in a way that gives us hope for the future. True forgiveness gives us back our lives.
Forgiveness is not masking hurt. When we’re sinned against, we hurt. Our instincts tell us to control the hurt. Many of us are pros at denying our hurt. We think that’s forgiveness, but it’s not.
When Jesus hung on the cross, He died for every sin you and I will ever commit. Second Corinthians 5:21 says that He became sin for us. Our Savior didn’t smile and say, “Oh, they really aren’t that bad.” No, He was deeply and completely acquainted with our wretchedness. That was the only way He could forgive us for everything. We can’t forgive a transgression if we won’t let ourselves face how angry, hurt and betrayed we feel because of the offense.
Forgiveness is not an emotion. After we’ve been hurt, we want to feel better. Many of us try to use forgiveness as a feeling to make us happier. Forgiveness is not an action we take without agony of the soul. It’s not easy to do. For me, forgiveness begins as a decision to trust God, rather than a desire or feeling of wanting to be close to the person who has offended me. My emotions toward the person may be completely antagonistic, but that doesn’t affect my decision about forgiving that person.
Forgiveness is not necessarily reconciliation. The great thing about forgiveness is that we’re free to forgive each and every person who has ever sinned against us. Forgiveness doesn’t depend on reconciliation.
It’s freeing to know that our part of forgiveness doesn’t depend on the response of the offender. However, reconciliation does depend on the offender. Reconciliation is possible only when the forgiver and the person being forgiven can come to terms about the offense.
Forgiveness is not revictimization. Many people are afraid of forgiveness because they think it means they’ll become the victim of the person who has sinned against them. This is not what Jesus teaches.
True forgiveness cleanses a heart of the damage caused by an offense. In the process of forgiveness, we realize the need for boundaries - decisions we make about our relationship to the offender that prevent the relationship from being unhealthy, that prevent us from being revictimized. When God asks you to forgive others who have offended you, He is not asking you to be a victim. Being a victim and forgiving are two totally different things.
It’s also easy to practice false forgiveness, but there’s nothing less satisfying to the soul. We can waste a lot of time, effort and energy buying into false forgiveness.
What does it mean to truly forgive? Let’s take a look at the positive side of forgiveness now.
What Forgiveness Is
Forgiveness is a process. Perhaps God is speaking to you about a person you need to forgive. You can begin the process of forgiveness today, but that doesn’t mean you will instantly feel the freedom of complete forgiveness.
For deep offenses, it may take years to experience the full freedom of forgiveness. I compare forgiveness to peeling layers off an onion. You can dig deeply and take off many layers at once, but there are lots of thin layers as well, which makes forgiveness a process of patiently addressing the issues that come up.
Committing to the process means admitting that you’re powerless to forgive on your own. You’re telling God that you want Him to forgive through you. You’re willing to begin, knowing it may take years before you feel the complete release of God’s work of forgiveness in your heart.
Forgiveness is a decision. The most important contribution you make in the process of forgiveness is to trust God enough to make the decision to forgive. In human matters, forgiveness comes down to a decision. It’s a decision to trust that God knows more than you do and that forgiving the person who hurt you will heal you.
No one can force us to forgive, and no one can keep us from forgiving. Forgiveness is a decision to trust not our own instincts but the voice of God. When I’ve decided to forgive, it wasn’t because the offender asked me to do so or even acted in a way that created a desire in me to forgive. I forgave because I trusted that God loves me and that He would never tell me to do something that wasn’t good for me.
Forgiveness is desiring reconciliation. You can use this act of forgiveness as a litmus test to determine how far along you are in the process of forgiveness. As God cleanses our souls from bitterness and hatred, He replaces them with love. As forgiveness does its work, you move from being an obsessed, embittered woman to a willing agent of God’s love. The reconciliation that you desire is evidence of the changes going on in your heart through forgiveness. Perhaps the person we’re forgiving and seeking reconciliation with doesn’t see things the same way we do. But for reconciliation to take place, there must be an openness in the hearts of both parties to admit wrong and come to a mutual understanding.
Forgiveness is alchemy for the soul. True forgiveness brings about a seemingly magical transformation. Whereas we were once burdened, consumed and obsessed, now we’re transformed, free and willing. When I was 16 years old, I read a quote that has had a great impact on the way I’ve lived my life: “I will never allow another person to ruin my life by making me hate him.” God has used these words to keep my soul free from the burden of hate. Hate creates chemical reactions in our bodies. Unresolved hatred and anger have been linked to heart disease and burnout. A soul that’s free of hate through forgiveness goes through a chemical transformation.
Steps to Forgiveness
There are no “six simple steps to forgiveness.” But I’ve seen myself and others go through stages. Here are three stages of the forgiveness process that have helped guide people through the path of forgiveness.
1. Fully examine the wrong. A lot of us don’t experience the full healing power of forgiveness because our spirituality won’t allow us to feel the anger that’s stored inside. Ephesians 4:26 says to be angry and sin not. Anger in itself is not sin. It’s what we do with our anger that makes it sin. I find it helpful to express the anger in my soul in a letter that I don’t send to the person who offended me. This helps me fully recognize the reality of who and what God is asking me to forgive.
2. Confess your own sins. How have you allowed the sin committed against you to influence you to sin? Have you been angry at God? Have you developed a life of hate and anger? Have you become afraid to live? Have you not loved well? Have you been afraid to love God? It’s important for you to honestly admit your own sins and take responsibility for your own life in the process of forgiveness.
3. Commit to the process of forgiveness. Now it’s time to let God do what only He can do. Forgiveness in the Spirit is a spiritual process. He can reach and cleanse places in your soul that you could never touch. It’s time to trust God and let Him free you from the bondage of unforgiveness.
True forgiveness is one of the most important instructions Jesus gives us. The reality of a fallen world makes forgiveness the only true remedy for the damage done to our souls by hurtful relationships. I challenge you to consider the deep work of forgiveness and let God know that you’re willing to practice true forgiveness in your relationship. As you practice true forgiveness, you’re well on your way toward ending your cycle of damaging relationships.”
(Article courtesy of www.briomag.com)
Ever have a friend who was “prickly” like a porcupine?
For example, I was in WalMart shopping by myself last week and heard a child crying on the other end of the aisle. She looked to be about Corinne’s size and she was with her dad, who was probably in his way early 20’s. He was not trying to calm her down, but instead was saying, “stop the crying games you f*ing little b**ch!” Next thing I knew, he was speed walking away at what seemed to be 25 miles an hour. You can imagine the enormous rock that seemed to form in my stomach from hearing such hateful words - especially since it was directed at a helpless toddler. My flesh wanted to march right over to him and smack him (okay, punch him) silly, snatch the darling little angel up, and carry her off home. Realistically, I’d probably be charged with assault & kidnapping. Furthermore, how would that show him God’s love? How would that help the little girl? It wouldn’t. I wanted to do *something* and was reminded of Proverbs 31:8 - “Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves; ensure justice for those being crushed.” (NLT) So, after snapping out of it (I think I even had to blink myself out of the shock), I followed him…and caught up with him in the frozen veggie aisle, where he FINALLY stopped…and where his daughter was still crying. “Excuse me?” No response. “Excuse me?” Again, no response. This time a little louder, “Excuse me?” He turned around confused and I immediately started talking. “I just wanted to say that I know what it’s like with children. I have three at home and know they can be frustrating. Sometimes I wonder how I have any hair left.” I tried to force a casual chuckle… “I wanted to know if there was anything I could do…would you mind if I gave her a lollipop? That seems to calm my kids down when they’re having a rough time.” I pulled a couple pops from my *emergency stash* in my purse. The dad just stared at me blankly…”Uh, sure.” Meanwhile, the little blondie stopped crying and slowly accepted the purple lollipop without taking her eyes away from mine. “You are just the cutest little girl and I hope this makes you a little happier.” I ended up giving him an extra one just in case she needed it later (and what I really wanted to say was, “Here’s one for you, you big jerk…perhaps it will sweeten your attitude a little…” But I didn’t.) I smiled, told him to have a good day, and returned to my shopping - about 10 aisles back. When I got in the car, I broke down. Literally…sitting in the parking lot, crying. I prayed that God would keep that little girl safe…emotionally and physically. I prayed that He would guard her heart, protect her spirit. And I prayed that God would give her dad peace.
And the first thing he said was
Verse one made me chuckle, since I homeschool. It seems like every time someone finds out I homeschool, I am immediately put under the microscope and am bombarded with 20 questions. I’ve humorously learned to deal with it….remember 
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